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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28362861">Hold Me Too Close, Hurt Me Too Deep</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curlsandcollege/pseuds/Curlsandcollege'>Curlsandcollege</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Labor for Faerghus Repression, F/M, Felix's guilt about what happens in VW, Fluff, Guilt, Post Verdant Wind, Post canon, Secret Seteth, Spoilers for Verdant Wind, professor ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:27:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,222</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28362861</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curlsandcollege/pseuds/Curlsandcollege</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix was going to stay at Garreg Mach for six weeks to recover. Then he’d leave.</p><p>He’d stay until the academy found someone else to teach swords. A year, at most, then Mercenary work.</p><p>He’d stay until Annette got sick of him, realized he was broken and selfish and not worth her time. </p><p> </p><p>Felix finds excuses, then reasons, and maybe something more if he’d just stop overthinking and live.</p><p> </p><p>For the Netteflix Secret Seteth Gift Exchange for Engineer104. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Annette Fantine Dominic/Felix Hugo Fraldarius</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Netteflix Secret Seteth 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hold Me Too Close, Hurt Me Too Deep</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Engineer104/gifts">Engineer104</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Happy Secret Seteth to the deeply talented Engineer104 who not only is an incredible writer whose work is always so much fun to read and has serious depth, but ALSO organized this whole shindig (and made it nondenominational!)</p><p>PROMPT: mutual pining, post-canon fluff and/or angst, non-Azure Moon/professors ending</p><p>Title: From Being Alive by Sondheim. I couldn’t use the entirety of the lyrics of Being Alive from Company (I tried) and it felt cheap to just take the title.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <b>1186</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Felix was going to stay at Garreg Mach for six weeks. <br/><br/>The infirmary hadn’t cleared him yet, but convalescing was never his style anyway. He took a hell of a blow from some Dark Knight. There were murmurs in the aftermath, which elite was who, but he refused to acknowledge that he recognized Areadbhar the moment he hit the field. <br/><br/>No. Some anonymous ancient soldier knocked him on his ass and rendered him not well enough to travel yet. That’s all. </p><p>Annette was smarter than him, she’d always been smarter than him, and he respected her judgement that, “You will get yourself killed if you go off like this on your own.” <br/><br/>So he made a plan. </p><p><br/>He would rest for six weeks to get his arm back into fighting shape. Meanwhile he’d stay out of politics, ignore every meeting for “Creating a new Fodlan” and every appeal to his “Knowledge of the Old Kingdom.” <br/><br/>Letters started coming back in after Enbarr but were tossed aside unopened. They were all from the same source. As far as the writer knew Felix was long gone. <br/><br/>Whatever came next for Felix, it would not be at Garreg Mach. </p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <b>1187</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know why I have to do this, it’s fine the way it is.” Felix was never one to complain but Annette’s offer to <em> help him pack </em> was quickly revealed to be an order to <em> clean his room </em> as if he were a child. <br/><br/>Annette, to her credit, took the lead on dusting. She cracked the windows wide open and scoured his tiny room in search of dust that Felix couldn’t even see. <br/><br/>“Felix you’re not a student anymore, you can’t keep sleeping in a dorm room forever. We need the space for actual students. It’s time to move into the faculty quarters. They’re nice! You’ll be right by me too.” She stood on his window sill, wiping down anything she could reach, which wasn’t much honestly, and all Felix could do was stand there in case she fell. Annette braided her hair up and his gaze fell to the line of her neck. Felix hadn’t taken a great deal of time to appreciate necks as something aesthetic before but Annette had a nice one. She’d missed a piece of hair and there was one lone red strand tucked into the top of her dress. <br/><br/>Fingers clenched into a fist, resisting the temptation to fix it. <br/><br/>Just as the thought hit his mind Felix quickly averted his gaze. Ugh. This again. <br/><br/>He needed to stop noticing Annette. <br/><br/>He’d always paid attention to her of course, Annette was loud and every other word out of her mouth either shockingly brilliant or abjectly ridiculous. He rather liked the combo. That sat fine with him. They were friends, they had been for years. <br/><br/>Frankly, if he was feeling like reckoning with himself, she was his best friend. Maybe his only one. Ashe had gone off to who knows where, and his other friends… Well he wouldn’t let himself think about his other friends. They’d scattered to their own lives after the end of the war. </p><p> </p><p>Garreg Mach was once again bustling with life in preparation for a new school year and old allies started writing well wishes. To Annette, not him. Felix refused to let anyone acknowledge his presence since, as far as he was concerned, his residence at Garreg Mach was only temporary. <br/><br/>A year could be considered temporary in a lifetime. The refrain remained the same, Felix would leave once his presence was no longer needed. <br/><br/>In a planning meeting that Felix refused to attend Seteth made it abundantly clear that Byleth could not teach swordplay at the newly reopened Officers Academy. Annette volunteered Felix to fill the position. <br/><br/>“Just until we find someone else. But no one is as good as you, you know that. We have to prove to everyone that the academy is just as incredible as it’s ever been. Please Felix? We can’t just let anyone teach swords.” <br/><br/>Felix had half a mind to point out that the last swords professor was just as skilled as he was and far more dangerous, so it seemed to him like they <em> could </em> let anyone teach swords. Yet he watched Annette work tirelessly for a year to oversee repairs and get the Monastery to a place where the Officers Academy could run again. <br/><br/>He could teach swords for a year. Just until someone found a replacement. <br/><br/></p><p>He knew by then that he had trouble telling Annette no. Few things made him happy these days but her happiness cut through the numbness. Her joy was intoxicating, and he wasn’t willing to put down the bottle quite yet. <br/><br/>He was fairly certain that Seteth and the Archbishop realized that as well, because every request for anything other than “Stop bandits from terrorizing travelers” or “There’s a demonic beast, can you go kill it and harvest the crest stone?” had been delivered through her lips for months.  </p><p> </p><p>She seemed happier preparing the academy than he’d ever seen her, engrossed with purpose and passion for magic. Annette was nothing like him, Felix told himself ten times a day, she was good for so much more than fighting. <br/><br/>Felix was a tool of war. Annette created, instructed, inspired. Everything she did left the world a little happier, smarter, cleaner. Felix could hurt but not much else. <br/><br/>At Annette’s suggestion he’d written exactly one letter to his mother, stating that he was alive, he had no intention of coming home, he was relinquishing his claim to Fraldarius. He thought his absence would make that clear but he trusted Annette’s judgment on what was <em> common courtesy </em> when abandoning one’s family. <br/><br/>“Ahhh that’s much better,” Annette turned on his windowsill to face him and her dress bunched and caught under her foot. Her arms windmilled in circles before gravity won at last and she began to fall. Felix acted on instinct, rushing forward in a practiced motion so she dropped into his arms rather than the floor. <br/><br/>She was so close like this, he could count the freckles on her face and see the little ring of grey around her eyes. The academy was good for her. Annette was well fed and well rested and the stresses of peacetime were nothing compared to the stress of six years of war. Annette was beautiful, Felix knew that implicitly, but holding her so close confirmed the attraction in a way that made him not want to put her down. <br/><br/>They stood for a moment, Annette in Felix’s arms in his tiny room near the end of the hall. She was warmer than he expected her to be, as if she were literally made of sunshine.  She took a shuddering breath and their eyes met. Annette’s face began to flush and she squirmed for a moment as a signal to put her down. Oh, he realized, he’d embarrassed her. Annette blushed from her cheeks outward, spreading until her face matched her hair. <br/><br/>She must be embarrassed at her clumsiness. Or because he was touching her. He needed to stop being so sentimental. And stupid. He was always at least ten percent dumber around Annette. <br/><br/>Felix did his best to rest her gently on the floor and began mindlessly sorting through old school papers he surely should have thrown away years ago. He could feel the telltale heat of a blush begin to gather in his face and he could not let her see that. <br/><br/>“Thank you” Annette’s voice was quiet, and he could feel her staring at his back. He’d made her uncomfortable, just great. </p><p><br/>“Not a problem.” His hands curled through the papers as he dug down the record of his year at the academy. Magic formulas long forgotten. Letters from his mother ordering him to answer the letters from his father- funny, how that would turn out. <br/><br/>She laughed at his concern, “You’re not going to scold me for being careless, are you Felix? Because that would be a little pointless, don’t you think?” <br/><br/>“I haven’t been able to keep you off of a stool or chair or ledge for nearly ten years Annette. At this point if you fall it’s my fault.” </p><p> </p><p>He could hear her frustration as she protested, “I don’t always fall.” <br/><br/>“No, you don’t.” Sometimes he stood directly behind her so she could settle herself with a hand on his shoulder. When she was feeling particularly careful she thought better of her plan and just asked Felix to grab the book for her. She didn’t fall every time she climbed if he was there. <br/><br/>“But you’ll catch me if I do?” <br/><br/>When she said things like this Felix knew that his protestations of <em> temporary </em> were a lie. Felix had never been a good liar. Still. He was going to try, for her sake. For his own. <br/><br/>How foolish. He spent his whole life condemning blind devotion. What was he doing sticking around like this? <br/><br/><em> Not giving up on something for once in your life even when you disagree, Felix.  </em></p><p> </p><p>It was not the same. Annette was good down to her core. Her worst flaw was believing he could be something more than who he was. Annette needed saving from heights and ghosts and occasionally her own insecurities. Not… Not whatever Dimitri suffered from.<br/><br/>Wherever he was Felix hoped he was at peace now. Felix couldn’t do shit to help him, refused to believe in someone who couldn’t be saved, refused to hold out hope for a Kingdom that was nearing its end. <br/><br/>He was right, as it turned out. He was right about everything. Dimitri’s true nature. The pointlessness of continuing to lead a rebellion against a target that they had no hope of defeating with their dwindling resources. He knew the superior cause when he saw it, the superior army when he saw it, and so he joined the former Golden Deer and their professor in taking down the Empire. <br/><br/>The Kingdom fell in the end. He knew it would. </p><p> </p><p>Felix gathered his courage to face Annette, who moved on to folding up his now pretty ratty bedding. He bet she’d bring him to the market and insist he replace it even though neither of them had a hundred gold between them these days. <br/><br/>“Annette I’ll always catch you when you fall.” </p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <b>1189</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Felix lingered outside of Annette’s classroom counting the minutes until she was done. Why anyone would choose to lead a house was well beyond him. All the extra work for what? <br/><br/>Seteth asked him for the first time this year if he’d consider taking on the Golden Deer. They’d kept the house names, even as they mixed the students by region. “You’ve a rudimentary grasp of magic, a command of archery and brawling. Your sword skills are unparalleled. I’d like to see you develop more of a rapport with the students this year Felix.” </p><p> </p><p>Felix refused. He picked a few students to really focus on, the ones who actually cared about improving and sought him out for help. Otherwise he instructed E-A levels of swordplay five days a week.<br/><br/>He wasn’t failing by any means, but he’d only make a house miserable, begging to transfer within a month. Most of his students hated him unlike… </p><p> </p><p>The Black Eagles poured out the doors with an energy that only a Friday afternoon could bring and Felix almost smiled at how the laughter stopped and students sped up when they noticed his presence. Not that he would break his scowl. <br/><br/>He never smiled in front of his students. On principle. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh stop terrorizing my kids Felix,” Annette’s arms were wrapped around a stack of parchment that Felix grabbed on instinct. She always called her students that, <em> her kids </em> . Annette was thriving, sunshine with a moody shadow trailing behind. <br/><br/>Him. He was her shadow. </p><p><br/>He hefted the stack, noting, “That’s a lot of grading.” <br/><br/>Annette steered them towards the faculty quarters, “I’m making everyone justify their choices for advanced certifications now, with concrete plans on how they’ll get their skills up to snuff.” <br/><br/>“That’s unorthodox.” </p><p> </p><p>Annette nodded, “They’ll be happier if I let them choose. I’ve done all the steering I can do by now. They’ll be more likely to actually do the work to pass if nobody is being forced into a specialization they don’t want.” <br/><br/>“I’ve never considered the happiness of my students.” Felix admitted. Students often accused him of hating his work, hating students, hating swordplay. He kept them at arm's length, and always refused to answer personal questions. He dropped his last name entirely. <br/><br/>Students from the Old Kingdom occasionally gave him odd looks when he introduced himself as <em> Professor Hugo </em> but he figured over time that would diminish. <br/><br/>Over time. Look at him, acknowledging the inevitable future in his self imposed exile. <br/><br/>Felix didn’t hate Garreg Mach at all. He was left to his own devices as long as his students improved, and they did improve. He was shielded from politics, hearing only murmurs of what was going on in the world at large. He could elect to go on missions with students or knights, or not, as he pleased. <br/><br/>When the council of the United Kingdom of Fodlan met, Felix found ways to get himself assigned as far away as possible. Byleth had even started anticipating his desire to make himself scarce and would come up with some urgent matter in Hrym or Edmund. <br/><br/>It was a fine life. Boring, but no more terrible than the future he was supposed to have one day. <br/><br/>The company was better too. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re not too busy with,” he hoisted the papers, “all this are you?” </p><p> </p><p>It was Friday. They went to town on Fridays. Had for years. The food was better and the company less… adolescent. It gave both of them space to breathe, there were several taverns too grimy to be frequented by the usual wealthy Garreg Mach student but the food was usually incredible and the drinks were cheap. Their professor salaries could stretch a bar bill far enough that sometimes he forgot what it was, what they were. <br/><br/>He’d had dinner with friends before. When he pissed Ingrid off back in the day he would buy her dinner in town because words always felt meaningless but food was enough. <br/><br/>Dinner with Annette wasn’t like that at all. And not because he went willingly rather than out of guilt or obligation. <br/><br/>No, when they left Garreg Mach it almost felt as if they were something to each other. She would stand close and he could smile without fear of who would see them. Annette never made him talk, but when he sat with her at a crooked wooden table in the corner he said whatever came to mind just to hear her reaction to whatever he would say. If he was really lucky, if he got her in just the right mood, she’d sing on their way back. <br/><br/>It was enough. Felix was a flight risk, too often absorbed in his own failings as a person, too mean and awkward. Annette’s kindness was far more than he deserved. Some day she’d realize she was too smart, too nice, too mesmerizing for someone like him and pull away. Then he’d take his leave, off into the wilderness like he always planned.  <br/><br/>He could hold on to what he had, but he couldn't let himself forget what this was. Who he was. <br/><br/>A man who betrayed his home to save the world for selfish reasons was still selfish. Felix left and refused to look back. He threw letters in an overly full desk drawer without ever opening them. He was running, even as he stood still. <br/><br/>Felix was a coward when it came to anything other than the edge of a blade. Annette deserved more than that. Deep down she probably knew that too. She humored him, gave him time and attention because her precious academy needed a swordmaster and she couldn’t stand to lose one more person to what people called honor but was merely pride. Fear too. <br/><br/>Felix knew very well that concepts like <em> deserve </em> were meaningless, but he would never feel comfortable if happy or settled.The mere idea of satisfaction at anything other than fighting was fundamentally incompatible with who he was. <br/><br/>Annette was the cruelest form of fantasy. One he could have until he let her down, and he would, in the end. <br/><br/>They could playact at whatever they were pretending on Fridays when they went to town. <br/><br/>The skies opened up as Felix helped Annette organize her grading for the weekend. It didn’t matter. Rain wouldn’t stop them from their best form of stress relief. </p><p> </p><p>They tried to stay under awnings and cover, and Annette held herself tight to Felix with the limited space. They were both uncomfortably wet and cold by the time they crossed the threshold. This inn wasn’t their favorite spot, but it was warm and cheap and too run down for students to choose it. <br/><br/>“You get drinks, I’ll find seats,” Annette bumped him with her hip and took off towards a table near the fireplace, shedding her soaked cloak as she went. <br/><br/>Felix approached the bar and a broad woman greeted him. <br/><br/>“What can I get you?” </p><p> </p><p>Felix reached into his pockets, “Two dinners. Ale.” His eye caught something behind the bar, “Do you have cider today?” <br/><br/>The woman grinned, “You’re in luck, first batch of the season.” <br/><br/>Annette was usually happy to drink ale but apple was her favorite. <br/><br/>“One of those then.” He reached into his pockets to pay. <br/><br/>The barkeep gave him a strange look and left one of the coins on the counter, “I remember you. If you can get her to sing tonight her drinks are free. It’s still stuck in my head from the last time you two were here.” </p><p><br/>Felix turned back towards Annette who shot him a grin and patted the bench next to her. “She has that effect on people. I can’t promise anything though.” <br/><br/>“Smart man. Still, your wife is one of our more entertaining customers. Always nice when you come in.” The barkeep turned around and began pouring drinks. </p><p> </p><p>His <em> wife? </em> Felix’s head spun. Is that what they looked like? <br/><br/>Why did that sound so good? No. Stupid. They were friends, people were just making assumptions. <br/><br/>They knew what they were. And what they were was… Well… <br/><br/>“What’s that look?” Annette asked as Felix delivered her drink. <br/><br/>“You’ll be mad if I tell you.” He said with just a hint of amusement. </p><p><br/>“What did you do?” <br/><br/>“Nothing. The barkeep said this,” He handed her the cider, “Is on the house if I can get you to sing.” <br/><br/>“The barkeep is confused. You can’t get me to do anything.” Annette smiled smugly. <br/><br/>“Yeah that runs in the other direction.” Felix mumbled good naturedly, taking a sip of his ale. <br/><br/>He didn’t mention the other way the barkeep was confused. He could just enjoy that thought privately. <br/><br/>They both tucked into their drinks quietly and when the barkeep came and delivered their dinners Annette blessed her with a verse of a song about apples dropping to the ground. <br/><br/>Something was off. Felix was always content with silence but Annette filled space with sound habitually. The inn was getting fuller and louder, but Annette hardly said a word to him. <br/><br/>“Is everything okay?” Felix asked as he started his third ale. He’d been drinking too much, trying to distract himself from the heavy awkwardness. <br/><br/>Annette’s gaze fixated on her plate and began pushing around her dinner. She hummed through a thought, saying nothing for what felt like eons. Then, she asked in a tone that made Felix’s hair stand on end, “What did you mean by that Felix?” <br/><br/>“By what?” <br/><br/>“You said that making me do things runs in the other direction. What does that even mean?” <br/><br/>Felix’s stomach bottomed out and he cursed his own stupidity. He should have watched himself. A lifetime of lessons on diplomacy and oration left his mind as he stammered out, “Just uh… I’m nicer to you.” <br/><br/>She wasn’t satisfied with his half answer, “That’s not what you said though. You said that I can get you to do things.” <br/><br/>The drink made him bolder than he wanted to be, there was no use lying to her, “I mean, can’t you?” <br/><br/>Something upsetting crossed Annette’s face. She looked almost angry, but too upset to blow up. He knew her anger well, relished it at times, this was something else entirely. <br/><br/>“I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. You just…” She sighed, straightening out her utensils. <br/><br/>Felix sat dumbstruck, anxious, waiting for her to finish her thought. He just what? <br/><br/>Annette started again, circling her fingers on the table in an approximation of some spell Felix didn’t recognize, “The way I see it I give you permission to do the things you already wanted to do. I can’t <em> actually </em> make you do anything.” And once again she looked miserable with him. What did he do? Hadn’t he done everything she’d ever asked of him? </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think you’ve tried.” He answered. In the end that was the truth wasn’t it? He liked teaching. He liked Garreg Mach. He didn’t actually want to wander aimlessly even if it felt like the only thing his mind could come up with half the time. Annette gave him anchors. <br/><br/>“Tried what?” Annette asked, brows furrowed in confusion. Did she not understand him? <br/><br/>“You don’t want me to do anything other than what I do. You ask a lot of me. Just… Normal things. You don’t give me a reason to say no.” Felix hoped his honesty would work, ease her anger. It was a good thing wasn’t it? Didn’t she want him to do what she said?  <br/><br/>Annette stared blankly at him and the world stopped. The clanking of plates silent as he watched the wheels turn in Annette’s mind. Her face fell slowly and she finally said,  “You’re an idiot Felix. I’m going home.” </p><p> </p><p>She got up from the table and darted out into the street. Well this was typical wasn’t it? Annette only stormed out on him occasionally these days,  but at least he usually knew what he had done. It was usually best to let her gather her feelings but Felix’s eyes fell on her cloak and he remembered it was pouring. Shit. <br/><br/>He went after her. Even with her head start Felix was quicker, and found her rushing back towards the monastery. <br/><br/>He called out to her, reaching out but thinking better of grabbing her shoulder and instead stopped directly in front of her, “Annette, wait.” <br/><br/>Annette didn’t slow her pace, weaving around him, refusing to look up at him, “Stop it, I don’t want to talk to you.” <br/><br/>Her face was wet and he couldn’t tell if it was the rain or... <br/><br/>“Fine then don’t talk to me. Take this at least, you’re going to freeze to death.” Felix held out her cloak and tried not to enjoy her fingers brushing his. At least she stopped for a moment. <br/><br/>He tried to speak evenly, hold the temper that always came out when he wasn’t sure what else to do, “You don’t have to talk to me but it’s hard for me to be sorry when I don’t know what I did. I always do what you ask Annette. I’m nicer to you than anyone else. You know that. I don’t… What did I say?” <br/><br/>Annette at last looked up with her big sad eyes and Felix could see her pain before she said anything. This is why he kept his distance. He let her down. He knew he would. <br/><br/>“Don’t stay out of obligation Felix.” <br/><br/><em> That’s </em> what she thought this was? He stepped closer, trying to block some of the rain that was spraying under the awning from the street. To keep her closer so when she tried to run he could catch her. He denied her claim, “I don’t.” <br/><br/>Annette was so often angry with him, but this felt heavier than just anger, “Yes you do. You just said it.” </p><p> </p><p>He swallowed his pride and his fear and did his best to be clear, “Annette I stay because you’re here.” <br/><br/>She huffed, “I know. You don’t want to make me angry or you feel like you owe me something or you’re trying to protect me and that doesn’t actually feel very good Felix.” <br/><br/>“No, Annette you misunderstand me.” <br/><br/>He’d screwed this up worse than he could have imagined. Annette, who got people on a level he never could, he always just assumed she knew what he was feeling. But in this maybe she had her own blind spots. <br/><br/>He’d watched out for her blind spots on the battlefield years ago. It kept them both alive. <br/><br/>It made him braver, smarter, more careful. <br/><br/>It let him take calculated risks, ones that could save them both. <br/><br/>Felix shifted again, standing right in front of her so she couldn’t run as he said, <br/><br/>“I stay here because you are here. Not because you want me here. Because I want to be near you. I don’t… People like me can’t be happy but…” <br/><br/>“What do you mean by that? You’re not… you’re not happy?” She reached for him, grabbing at the edge of his jacket. They were toe to toe, and the puffs of her breath floated up into his face. <br/><br/>He ignored the heat in his cheeks when he admitted, “I am, when I’m with you.” </p><p> </p><p>Annette often surprised him, he had trouble guessing her moods or her reactions. His body braced for a slap or a spell, or to chase after her as she ran further from him. <br/><br/>He was not expecting to watch her raise up on her toes and the feel of the briefest brush of Annette’s lips against his own. His heart thundered in his chest as they broke apart, Annette’s face a breath from his own, pupils blown wide.  <br/><br/>When he imagined this moment, and he was honest enough to admit it happened frequently, she looked less upset. </p><p> </p><p>“Felix I need you to choose this for your own sake, not mine.” <br/><br/></p><p>And suddenly so much made sense. How she always sat next to him, not across. How she looped him into things. How she smiled at him every morning and knocked on his door to say goodnight. <br/><br/>“Annette I… I want to kiss you again. Selfishly. Just for me. And you. If you want.” <br/><br/>She smiled, blushing, “I kissed you Felix.” <br/><br/>He amended, “Annette I would like to kiss you for the first time. And then again. Because I want to. Because I like you. Please.” <br/><br/>She let him. Kissing Annette was intense. Her hands looped around his neck, pulling him closer. </p><p>How could she think he didn’t want this? Her? <br/><br/>How could he leave if he had this? <br/><br/></p><hr/><p>
  <b>1191</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“They’re talking about us again.” Felix whispered into Annette’s ear as he slid into his seat in the dining hall. <br/><br/>Annette closed her book and gave him a little playful smile and whispered, “Stop flirting with me, and they’ll stop talking.” <br/><br/>He frowned and looked down at his meat skewers, “I’m not…” He lowered his voice, “Annette we’re... I’m not flirting <em> . </em> ” <br/><br/>He was absolutely flirting with her. The battle of Eagle and Lion was coming up and their classes this year had what could be called a friendly rivalry. Annette led her class in chants to try to get them excited and it was disruptive. <br/><br/>Which he told her, from the doorway of her classroom, in front of all of her students. <br/><br/><em> “I can’t help it if my class is more excited than yours Professor Hugo.” </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> <br/></em> <em> “My class can’t be anything if they can’t hear Professor Dominic.”  </em></p><p> </p><p>He loved when she challenged him but there were students present which limited his useful tactics in a petty fight. Even so, she managed to goad him into a bet, dependent on the outcome of the upcoming battle. </p><p> </p><p>It was for the best really, it kept his mind off of the upcoming journey. <br/><br/>The Golden Deer class was ready, well balanced in their skills  and disciplined, it was just…. The location. </p><p> </p><p>Thankfully the tradition of class teachers partaking in the battle had fallen out of favor. Gronder held too many ghosts for Felix to enjoy a friendly battle, even with his pride on the line.<br/><br/>Gronder. The last stand of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus and its final prince. <br/><br/>The day that the scouts saw the blue banners Felix began to feel nervous that he gave up too easily. That he had thrown his lot in with the wrong army, left his home on false pretenses. If Dimitri had come back from the dead, if he was truly leading an army… Maybe execution or exile or whatever horrors Dimitri was subject to had fixed him, cleared his head, given him the perspective or cured his bloodlust. Maybe the Dimitri who appeared on the field would be the Dimitri of Felix’s childhood. His best friend, dead longer than the prince who he mimicked. <br/><br/>The Dimitri who appeared on that field confirmed Felix’s worst fears. Felix was always supposed to be by his side, be his advisor, his confidant and now… Felix was born to serve a man who was no longer anything close. The shell of the prince who fell on that field was consumed with an anger that shredded his last bits of humanity. <br/><br/>Felix wasn’t foolish enough to believe he could have saved Dimitri from what preyed upon him. Still, it never felt good to be reminded of his failure. To stand where he stood all those years ago with children who would never understand just what that place was. <br/><br/></p><p>Annette’s bet also served a second purpose, not that Felix would let her know he was wise to her plans. <br/><br/>She was good at distracting him these days. Too good, at times. <br/><br/>“Hey Fe, can I come in?” A voice dragged him out of his thoughts and he got up to crack his door. <br/><br/>“You have a key Annette,” He reminded as he let her in. <br/><br/>Annette shrugged around the stack of books she was carrying, “My hands are full. And I’m not supposed to have a key you know. Someone might say something if they see me letting myself in here.” </p><p> </p><p>Felix knew exactly who Annette meant by <em> someone, </em> “Seteth can mind his own business. Tells me my whole life to forge bonds and then when I finally do…” <br/><br/>“Oh you’re <em> still </em> angry about that? His point isn’t wrong you know.” <br/><br/>In the moon of turnover between school years Felix and Annette requested a room reassignment. Felix rarely slept in his own quarters anymore and it felt silly to hold on to a room when the academy was expanding yearly and they were always bringing on more staff.  <br/><br/>Seteth choked on his tea and followed up with a simple, <em> “I wasn’t aware of your intention to marry professors.” </em> <br/><br/>At their awkward pause Seteth gave a brief comment about how they worked rather hard to keep the students out of each other’s rooms with thin walls and narrow beds. <em> “Faculty are to set an example of good conduct for our students. I cannot condone such a thing on an official level, you must understand.” </em> Felix fumed about it for days. Good conduct. What an absurd standard. When he was a student the professors were kidnapping students, how was that for conduct? </p><p> </p><p>Felix turned to Annette, who was circling his room finding odds and ends to clean. Back to this argument again he supposed, “The students don’t even know we’re together, they aren’t allowed in this part of the monastery. Who would know?” <br/><br/>Annette laughed, “They’re figuring it out. You practically announce it every time you come to pester me Felix.” <br/><br/>He coughed awkwardly, “Yeah, I have heard insinuations that I always come back smiling from your classroom. Still, they’ve lost the simple explanation.” <br/><br/>Annette rolled her eyes, “And what’s that?” <br/><br/>He smiled as he offered the plainest solution he could muster, “You’re less annoying than they are.” <br/><br/>Annette laughed, “Now I know that’s not true. I annoy you plenty.” <br/><br/>She really didn't. Annette was chatty and clumsy, she couldn’t spend one moment in silence, she couldn’t leave something for tomorrow or half done even if it cost her sleep, health, or sanity. He loved it. He loved everything she did just because she was the one doing it. Even tidying up his room which was pointless because he’d just get it dirty again. <br/><br/>Felix sighed, walking up behind her to wrap his arms around Annette. She froze for a moment before settling in, well used to his clinginess by now. He kissed her on the cheek and said low in her ear, “So if my class loses, which they won’t, to be very clear, should my cheer be about how much I love you in addition to your superior teaching methods?” </p><p> </p><p>He could feel her smile as she agreed, “That would be a nice touch. What a way to settle what I’m sure is numerous bets between students. And you haven’t told me what you want if your class wins.” <br/><br/>Annette demanded her condition in front of her students. Instead of demanding something outright Felix flustered her by saying he’d give his victory condition some thought and get back to her. Frankly, Felix knew exactly what he wanted from Annette. He wouldn’t place a bet on it though. The words died on his lips when he noticed a dozen student’s eyes on him. Too public. <br/><br/>The same thought echoed through his brain. Her. He wanted her.  If he won, if he lost, if the whole damn battle was cancelled altogether. No. Now was not the right time. Not when he was feeling the way he was these days. <br/><br/>So instead, Felix demanded something practical. Useful. <br/><br/>“I’d like quiet, but I truly want you to force my reason specialist to learn to rally.” <br/><br/>Annette broke free of his grasp, turning to face him. “Gennie? Also you do understand that rallying is by its very nature loud right?” <br/><br/></p><p>He scoffed, of course he understood, “Which is why she won’t do it. Damn girl won’t talk.” <br/><br/>Annette laughed, resting a hand on his chest, “She’s terrified of you.” <br/><br/>“They’re all terrified of me.” <br/><br/>“She’s particularly terrified of you. You don’t need to hinge the bet on that. I’ll tutor her in rallying if you make Flora actually pass her c-level sword exam. She’d be great with a Levin sword, but she won’t go to a seminar no matter how much I push her. I want to put her up for a Dancer certification but if she doesn’t learn swords there’s no point to that...” <br/><br/>Felix clenched his jaw, hoping Annette wouldn’t see his reaction. “She won’t learn because I’m the teacher. You do understand that right?” <br/><br/>Flora Eloise Fraldarius. His only crested cousin. She was named heir before enrolling at Garreg Mach, filling shoes Felix left empty. </p><p><br/>Their eyes met at the opening to the year and in that moment they made a silent pact to avoid each other. It was the most contact Felix had with his family in years, and frankly the most he wanted to have for the next ten. His family had money and maintained power, governing over the land that was once Faerghus. More of his relatives would enroll eventually. Hopefully the next one would be too young to remember who he was. <br/><br/>Annette sighed and tucked herself under his chin, “You can be mean to her, treat her like all of the students. Get all grumpy and evil and tell her she’s wasting her talents by being too stubborn to train in swords.” </p><p> </p><p>Felix rested his chin on her head, letting the contact settle his nerves. He could be honest if he wasn’t looking at her face, “It feels wrong to work with her.” <br/><br/>Annette’s tone tightened, “You can’t have it both ways Felix. It’s literally your job. She’s either family, and you can unpack what that means for you and her together, or you’re not a Fraldarius anymore and then at least give her the courtesy of learning from you and pretending like you’re just her teacher. You’re the adult here, you have to model the behavior you want.” <br/><br/></p><p>“We’ve been content to ignore each other all year.” </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah well ignoring is a bit of a sore point for me Felix. You have to talk to her to train her. Decide what you want to do, and then do it. I’ll work on Gennie.” <br/><br/>In the end they both lost the battle. Linhardt’s Blue Lions had a hotshot class leader from Bergliez territory who played the Black Eagles and Golden Deer against each other and outmaneuvered both of their classes handily, sneaking up to deliver the final blow. Felix couldn’t even be mad at his students, just impressed at a battle well fought. <br/><br/>It ended quickly and he was glad to be rid of that place. Away for another year. He joined in the first group out of Gronder. <br/><br/>Annette caught up to Felix, pacing so they were a bit apart from everyone else, “So it looks like we both lost,” Annette started, walking a hair closer than she probably should have been given they were in public. <br/><br/>No one was watching them. No one was close by. The students were exhausted and exuberant from the battle, no one would notice. It was fine. <br/><br/>Felix nodded, trying to gauge her mood. Annette didn’t like losing. “I want to be very clear that I will not proclaim Linhardt’s superiority as a teacher and person in a <em> loud cheerlike manner </em> . He was not in on the bet.” <br/><br/>She laughed and Felix suppressed a smile. <br/><br/>“They all did great, I’ll cheer everyone’s praises back at Garreg Mach, you’re off the hook.” <br/><br/>Felix honestly felt relieved. He didn’t want to lose obviously, but this was probably the best outcome. He wouldn’t have to make a fool of himself by employing Annette’s cheering methods. Nor would he need to tell her what he wanted from her. Every silly thing he’d come up with in place of what he actually wanted felt stupid and hollow. <br/><br/>They walked for an hour or so, and Annette sang a little marching song in time with their steps. It was contagious, and Felix matched her rhythm. Travel was easier with her by his side. </p><p> </p><p>Annette was feeling bold, walking close, flirting openly. She poked him in the arm, asking, “Also… I have to ask. Did you ever come up with a condition for me?” <br/><br/>He could feel himself start to sweat but instead he sighed, running his hand through his hair in an attempt to calm his nerves. Yes. Yes he did. “I’ll tell you back at Garreg Mach.” <br/><br/>Annette huffed, “But you lost, you’re not getting it anyway. Why won’t you tell me?” <br/><br/>He wouldn’t tell her because it was too big of a condition to hedge on a bet. Because it was the kind of ask that would only work if it was freely given. But it was the only thing he could think to ask of her. <br/><br/>No. Felix could absolutely not tell her here what he wanted. Not here. <br/><br/>“I uh… It’s a complicated ask. Less embarrassing than yours, I think.” <br/><br/>Annette brushed her hand against his and Felix reached his pinky finger out to loop with hers for a moment. The contact centered him. <br/><br/>“If it’s singing I’ll just do that you know. If it’s something <em> private” </em>she lowered her voice, “Then I’m curious. Don’t make me wait until we’re home.” </p><p> </p><p>Felix was absolutely sure he was blushing and Annette’s flirting was distracting at the best of times.  His instincts kicked in, seeking escape over conversation. “Sorry being at Dimitri’s gravesite doesn’t put me in the mood.” <br/><br/>Annette’s eyes widened and he could see her swallow her anger in favor of compassion. “He wasn’t buried here. My Father uh… He’s buried in Faerghus. With his family.” <br/><br/>Something about the phrase irritated Felix and he snapped, “He’s not buried with his family. His father’s grave is empty. Everyone knows that.” <br/><br/>Annette responded, exasperated, “Since when do you care about burials Felix?” <br/><br/>Felix shoved his hands into his pockets and stared up at the trees surrounding the path. The students were loudly chattering a hundred paces behind the two of them, this wasn’t the place to have a fight. <br/><br/>“I don’t. I just… Leave it.” He hoped this could stop this. That maybe he could slide his hand into Annette’s covertly and let her know that even when he felt like this, all confused and wound up and just plain <em> nervous </em> she made him feel better just from standing beside him. <br/><br/>Annette made a frustrated noise in the back of her throat and hissed,“You’re being a jerk right now Felix.” <br/><br/>He snorted, trying to calm himself. “Sorry. My self imposed exile gets to me sometimes. I’ll cheer up by the time we get back to the Monastery.” <br/><br/>“Home.” Annette said quickly, something in her tone dangerous and scary even in its subdued volume. <br/><br/>“What?” <br/><br/>“You never call it home. You always say the monastery or Garreg Mach or the Academy. And you… You call this exile.” An accusation in a statement. </p><p><br/>“Isn’t it?” He trapped himself at the Academy, abandoning his home and responsibilities and cutting himself off from everything and everyone he knew before. He would never survive in Faerghus, not as he was. How was that anything other than exile? </p><p> </p><p>Annette reacted as if she were struck, “No! Felix it’s… We have a life. We have a life here where we have students and a profession and we help people. We have friends and goals and each other. I thought you wanted to be here.” Her voice hinted at the sadness he knew she felt, deep down. The feelings that bubbled over on birthdays and anniversaries, or when she wrote her mother. <br/><br/>He tried to comfort her, assuage some of the anxieties she shared. <br/><br/>Felix looked towards Annette, catching her eye and saying as sincerely as he could, “I want to be with you. The location doesn’t matter.” <br/><br/>Annette’s gaze turned cold, “That’s not true. What if I wanted to go back to Faerghus?” <br/><br/>It stuck him like a sword. <br/><br/>“Don’t say that.” She was being cruel. Talking in hypoethcials only to hurt him. <br/><br/>Annette continued on, saying a bit louder, “If I decided I was done teaching and wanted to go back home-” <br/><br/>He cut her off, “You just said Garreg Mach was home.” <br/><br/>Felix felt as if he were lost in the woods with no map. What was happening? What had he said? She barely knew Dimitri, less than a year. They agreed on how they wanted to live- She knew how he felt about home, Faerghus. <br/><br/>She crossed her arms uncomfortably and turned her gaze towards the sky. <br/><br/>“Felix I can’t wait around for the day you decide to <em> live </em> .” <br/><br/>“I am living.” He said, dumbstruck. There had been a time where he wasn’t. Where he counted down days until he was leaving. But with her? How could being with Annette be anything less than a life? <br/><br/>Annette swallowed visibly and Felix could see the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. She was quick to anger but this… calm disappointment was so much worse. “No, you’re not. Felix you go one day at a time. You never plan. You avoid and you deflect and you get angry when people tell you no but you never try to change anything. You couldn’t even come up with a condition for winning the bet and now you’re lying to me and I love you but I…” <br/><br/>Felix felt trapped. What he wanted to say would not fix this. “I’m not lying, Annette. I have a thing I want to ask you and I just… Be patient.” <br/><br/>Annette laughed bitterly, “I’ve been nothing but patient with you.”  <br/><br/>Felix knew the world was slipping out from under him, his worst fears come to light. He tried, “If you want something from me, just ask.” That was what they did, wasn’t it? Annette asked, Felix delivered. She grounded him, made him see solutions other than violence and running. <br/><br/>Annette shook her head, even angrier, “No. No I won’t. Felix I’ve been strong arming and asking and suggesting you into everything for the past five years and… Felix you need to make a decision on your own for once.” <br/><br/>“I make plenty of decisions.” He said stubbornly.  <br/><br/>“Name one.” <br/><br/></p><p>There was only one that mattered. <br/><br/>“Abandoning Faerghus.” He answered so quietly he thought she wouldn’t be able to hear. <br/><br/>Annette wasn’t satisfied. “Since then?” <br/><br/>“Please don’t do this.” Felix tried to reach for Annette, to wipe the tears that were falling down her cheeks but she pushed him away. They froze at an impasse and Annette said quietly, wrapping her arms around herself,</p><p><br/>“Right. Because you haven’t. You’re content to be angry and condemn the actions of everyone around you and listen to me when I tell you to do things. Felix I’m exhausted. If you don’t want to pay attention to anything that’s going on in the world around you that’s fine. But Felix you’re a grown man and you can’t just devote your whole life to your swordsmanship, your anger, and me because I’m convenient or useful.” <br/><br/>Felix tried to answer, find words that would fix this, assure her, let her know how he felt. None came to mind, the inadequacy of anything he could come up with painfully obvious. <br/><br/>Annette sighed shaky and halting, “I stopped fearing I’d wake up and find you gone years ago. But my nightmares are now about <em> this </em> - you are here but you don’t want to be. I’m trapping you with me, in <em> exile. </em> I’m not forcing you to live anymore. Make a choice. Tell me what you want. Think about it. We can talk when we’re <em> home.</em>” </p><p> </p><p>Annette took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her face, and turned back towards where the students were walking. <br/><br/>Felix didn’t follow. </p><p> </p><p>~~~~~~~~~</p><p> </p><p>The sun was setting over Garreg Mach as the party entered the gates. Felix tried to wrap his mind around one simple word as he looked up at the Monastery dappled in gold. <br/><br/><em> Home. </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> <br/></em> How hadn’t he noticed before? <br/><br/>The march back from Gronder took a group of their size three days, and Felix spent the better part of it in solitude. There was purpose in walking ahead with the scouts, not that they needed help. Tradition dictated that professors made camp with their students at night. Surrounded by his class he felt painfully alone. Distance was his usual protection, but silence lost its luster without Annette there to break it.</p><p><br/>His class leader tried to engage him in a conversation about what could have gone better at Gronder and Felix looked at him and sighed, “We missed the point. We focused on the wrong things.” He lapsed back into pensive frowning the rest of the night. </p><p> </p><p>Over the next two days he found time to tell each of his students something they had done well- a technique he learned from Annette to show his sour mood was not because of their loss. He had a responsibility to his students- their loss would be motivating enough without him doubling down punishment. <br/><br/><br/>The brief conversation helped break up his days but largely he was left to his own thoughts. The march was uneventful, no bandits nor beasts approached the camps. Surprisingly, his arm didn’t itch for the lack of activity. He didn’t crave battle the way he once had as a younger man. <br/><br/>When had that changed? <br/><br/></p><p>Days of time in his own head left him antsy for action of a different kind. Playing their fight over in his mind Felix didn’t give him all the answers. He would need to approach Annette first. That much was clear. Somewhere more private than a crowded path so they could actually talk. So he could beg her forgiveness.<br/><br/>So he could tell her exactly how he felt about living. </p><p> </p><p>Annette had a set routine when she returned from a mission. A hot bath. A good meal. Then early to bed and a long morning walk. He didn’t want to take those simple pleasures away from her, so he bided his time. She wanted space, and he would grant it. <br/><br/></p><p>However, self control only stretched so far and the next night he peered at the candlelight under her door and knocked. <br/><br/>“Annette I want to talk.” <br/><br/>Felix stood awkwardly at her door holding his breath until Annette’s voice finally broke through, “You have a key Felix.” <br/><br/>He let himself in, relieved in a way that he couldn’t quite explain, “I know. I just… I don’t know if you want to talk to me.” <br/><br/>Annette’s desk was covered in open books. Fewer than five. He wasn’t truly interrupting her then. <br/><br/>Annette turned in her chair but didn’t get up, “I never said I didn’t want to talk. Just… What did you want to say Felix?” She looked beautiful like this, hair loose, sleeves rolled up. A note in her voice was tighter, just a bit more subdued. She was holding something back, anger? Sadness? </p><p> </p><p>Felix closed the door behind him and scanned the familiar room awkwardly for a place to sit. Nothing was the right distance. The silence went on a second too long and he locked his legs, leaning back against the door. It felt safer than settling in. If she got angry with him he could leave her alone. <br/><br/>Space. Annette wanted space. Not for herself, for him. For honesty and plans and Felix to move first. To decide. <br/><br/>Felix ruminated, he worried. Scenarios built up in his thoughts until every terrible possibility was uncovered. Then the world shifted into action and Felix reacted- his worry prepared him, so rarely was a challenge a true surprise. <br/><br/>On the march from Gronder Felix tried to remember the difference between reacting and acting. <br/><br/>His voice came out shaky even with the days of rehearsal,“You shouldn’t be responsible for my happiness. Every good choice I’ve made in the past few years has been at your urging and… I want to start making good choices because I want to be happy. You’re part of that. But you shouldn’t be the only part of that.” </p><p> </p><p>Annette nodded, “I agree.” <br/><br/>It was polite. Colder than Annette ever was with him. Annette burned hot with happiness and anger and excitement. Cold was unfamiliar and it <em> hurt </em> far more than Felix expected it to. <br/><br/>She was holding him at arm's length and he wanted to rush into those same arms, know the comfort they brought. Everything he practiced, promised, planned, all went by the wayside and his heart took over. <br/><br/>“I can’t help feeling how I feel about how the kingdom ended. Dimitri’s death… I will always regret abandoning him to that fate. I will always think about what might have happened if I were there with him. I don’t want to go back to Faerghus because I could never be who Faerghus wanted me to be. I’m not… I couldn’t swear fealty to a prince who couldn’t be king. I can’t defer to authority for its own sake. I can’t find meaning in death. I’m not meant to govern. It’s not who I am. Faerghus is not who I am.” <br/><br/>The words tumbled, careless and painful. Years of pent up feelings bubbled in his throat- he tried so hard to hide who he was from Annette. There was so little left of him really. </p><p><br/>Annette played with the hem of her dress casting her gaze at his face. She mercifully didn’t push when he refused to make eye contact, answering “I’m not asking you to be someone you’re not Felix. But I’ve seen what living in the shadow of your perceived failures brings. You can have the scars, but you need to move on or at least try to.” <br/><br/></p><p>Annette quieted but an air lingered in the room. There was more to say. <br/><br/>Felix felt like his soul was on display. Live. She wanted him to live. </p><p><br/>“I like it here.” He started feeling encouraged by the first crack of a smile across Annette’s face. “I like teaching, and listening to the choir sing, and supervising tournaments. I like doing silly little missions and antagonizing you in front of your students. I like being with you most of all, but even if you weren’t here I think I still have more to do.” </p><p> </p><p>He took a step forward, leaving the security of the door behind. Her room had bits of the last rays of sunset streaming in through the window and it felt like it all fixated on her. </p><p> </p><p>Felix took a deep breath. “You’re right, this is home. I want to be with you no matter where we are. I don’t take that part back.” <br/><br/>“Oh. Felix.” Was all Annette could muster, and seeing the clear affection on her face Felix finally felt safe to approach her. He bent over her chair, soaking in her smile. Forehead to forehead he said, “I’d like to kiss you. If you’re not still angry with me.” <br/><br/>Annette blushed, as if they hadn’t done this a million times before, as if three days of fighting made everything new and uncertain, “I’d like that.” </p><p> </p><p>Much later, when they both had a moment to catch their breath, Annette gave him an odd look over her shoulder. <br/><br/>“You really did have a condition then? A prize you wanted if your class had won?” <br/><br/>Felix flushed, running his hands along the expanse of her back, he <em> missed </em> her, “Uh.. well. It’s stupid. It was a stupid thing to ask for as a prize. I couldn’t think of anything else. It’s all I’ve wanted to ask you for weeks but…” <br/><br/>“Okay now I’m really curious.” She smiled encouragingly as she turned over completely, her hand tangling through his hair. It was a disaster, she always loved playing with it even when it got in both of their ways. <br/><br/>Felix craved her smile. It was his favorite sight in the world, and made him foolish enough to ask, <br/><br/>“Annette do you want to get married?” <br/><br/>He regretted his phrasing as soon as the words left his mouth. Annette’s jaw dropped and she turned a justified shade of red. </p><p><br/>Her words were shockingly coherent for how confused she looked, “What? W-Why would you ask something like that <em> now? </em>”</p><p> </p><p>If they weren’t laying in bed he would have run, instead he pulled a pillow over his face, unable to look her in the eye. Damn his awkwardness. Nothing could ever go smoothly with Annette, could it? She kissed his shoulder gently, trying to coax him into speaking. <br/><br/>Eyes still closed he freed his face enough to answer, “I don’t know why I asked that. No, I do. I have wanted to for a while but I never knew how you felt. You didn’t seem to when Seteth… well it doesn’t matter. We don’t have to decide right away but I want to know if you’re even open to it?” <br/><br/>If she wasn’t he’d melt into a puddle right on the bed. Combust into flames. Actually run away. This was not the <em> time </em> idiot. <br/><br/>She turned his face to look at her, thumb resting on his cheek as she drew soothing little circles.  “You’re usually better at asking me for things. Of course I want to… Why would you think I wouldn’t?” <br/><br/>He smirked, “You’ve always done a good job of letting me know what you wanted in the past.” <br/><br/>Annette rolled her eyes, grinning, “You’re impossible. Absolutely impossible.” <br/><br/></p><hr/><p>
  <strong>1196</strong>
</p><p><br/>“Felix you’re up too early, come back to bed.” Annette reached a hand out for him that he caught, kissed, and tucked back under the covers. <br/><br/>Felix builds a life piece by piece. His defenses weaken, bricks become unlodged, others are placed. He stops resisting the passage of time, the company of others, his own desire for something purposeful and permanent. <br/><br/>“I need to go to the council meeting today. I want to train before so I’m tired enough to sit still while they all blow hot air for a few hours to feel important.” </p><p> </p><p>Annette laughed at his judgment, “Stubborn.” <br/><br/>“You’re one to talk.” He parried back, well versed in quick verbal spars with his wife. <br/><br/>The archbishop married them in the Goddess Tower. Felix had a cut on his face from a student who took a lucky strike on the training grounds. Annette had chalk prints up the side of her dress that she didn’t notice until later. No one was there but them, and it was perfect. </p><p> </p><p>They didn’t wake up that morning expecting to marry and they weren’t prepared for anything grander. The whole thing was a whim of a moment. For so long it felt good enough to know the intention, and they said the particulars could wait until things were less busy. <br/><br/>Still, the decision was made when Felix looked over to where Annette was grading, watched the firelight catch the first few strands of silver through her hair and realized the particulars didn’t matter. <em> Do you think the archbishop is still awake? </em> <br/><br/>She wasn’t. They woke her, dragged her from her bed, and swore her to secrecy. <br/><br/>The school year ended and the secret was kept between the three of them. Felix once again made his request for a new rooming assignment and the shade of purple Seteth turned when he added, <em> And before you ask, we’ve been married six months. You of all people wouldn’t keep a man from his wife, </em> would keep Felix amused on his worst days for years. <br/><br/>“You still feel okay about this?” Annette asked as Felix tried to move quickly to get ready for the day. She stretched experimentally, as if she was considering waking up but reached over and hugged his pillow instead. <br/><br/>He did the same with hers when she got up for her sunrise walks. <br/><br/>“The Archbishop asked me specifically to come to give my report about the pirate attack the other week.” Felix was used to dressing in the dark these days, but groping around on the floor for his belt felt mildly undignified. <br/><br/>“You know that’s not what I mean.” The concern warmed Felix’s heart, even if it wasn’t necessary. <br/><br/>Felix kept leading his class because though students sometimes annoyed him as people, he liked tracking their progress. He and Annette kept doing their stupid bet over the Eagle and Lion outcome. <br/><br/>Students still commented that he was happier with her around. They didn’t divulge the nature of their relationship at first because it was much more fun to act confused or angry when a student tried to point out his <em> crush </em> on Professor Dominic. <br/><br/>Which was true, he had a big crush on his wife. But the students didn’t need to know that. <br/>Felix could have his privacy and independence while still giving a damn. That took him a few years to learn. But he had time for things like that, working out what kind of Professor he wanted to be. The kind of man. The kind of husband. <br/><br/>“It’s time. I think… I’ll have a note sent to him. If he wants to ignore me, he can feel free.”</p><p> </p><p>The kind of Father he wanted to be. <br/><br/>Felix and Annette made their relationship public to the students once Annette started showing and not one second sooner. Annette made a grand pronouncement to her students which led to some gasps and cheering and an entire day of instruction lost as she answered <em> far </em> too many questions.  <br/><br/>Felix ended his lecture with a simple, “Additionally, my wife is expecting so those of you who have reason seminar this afternoon will be on your best behavior.” He left the classroom while his students pieced together what he meant. </p><p> </p><p>Letters rushed in again, to both of them. He answered a few to old friends. </p><p> </p><p>Felix strapped his belt around his waist and began to unlock the door. Annette sat up in bed, smiling softly even with sleep in her eyes, “I’m proud of you. I really am.” </p><p> </p><p>A smile crossed his face as far too many emotions bubbled up to the surface. Without sufficient words he said the ones that held the most meaning- the ones he said because he knew there was power behind them, “I Love you.” <br/><br/>“Love you too. Go, you have things to do.” </p><p> </p><p>Felix headed off to start what would be one of the strangest days of his life. There was simply no good way to say to your father, who you have not spoken to for ten years, “Nice seeing you. I’m married and you have a grandchild now. Do you want to meet him?” <br/><br/>Annette brought out the best in him. She made him brave and she did her best to make him care. He could change things, or at least try. <br/><br/>Felix could try. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've always been really interested in the differences between Felix's dialogue in VW and CF- guilt, feelings of helplessness, the realization that maybe he could have done more vs outright anger and drive to violence.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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